Sunday, February 23, 2020

(Picture of the sun setting in the mediterranean from our vacation last year)

I've been holding so much in and honestly, i'm really struggling.  I consider myself a relatively positive person and when i'm down, i typically look for an opportunity for a fresh start.  But lately, i can't get past the feeling that i have nothing good to look forward to.  While i'm quite aware that this is not exactly true, my brain is stuck in that dark place where i can't see past all the struggles that await me.  It torments me every waking moment.  Mia's upcoming surgery is obviously a major part of why i'm feeling so scared and overwhelmed, naturally... but that's not where the struggle ends.  Work has been incredibly stressful and i'm finding it difficult to navigate through my days while holding on to every ounce of strength and patience to get through the evenings with my girls.  They both have issues that make time at home challenging.  I don't really want to dip too deep into those issue here, publicly, but every waking minute is a struggle of some sort.  I'm physically and emotionally drained.  I honestly want to move past this and see the light but right now, it's dim.  

It's funny but every year i feel as though we kind of go through the same changes from Fall and all things pumpkin spice, to the holidays and Winter cozies! As we gear up for Spring, i'm typically vacation shopping allowing for something incredible to look forward to come Summer.  Lawd knows i need a vacation more than anything right now, but this year is going to be a bit different.  We can't really commit to summer plans with Mia's surgery and recovery.  It's ok... but i'm longing for some alone time at a beach somewhere and was hoping to squeeze in a quick trip with hubs before the summer for my own personal mental sanity.  I know it would not take away any of my anguish or fear, but perhaps would allow me some space to breathe deep and relax.  Not sure this is going to happen and i can't help but feel as though there is nothing to look forward to right now... not even a small thread.  I hate that i feel this way because i'm being a brat! It's not about me, it's about my child!  But if i'm falling apart, who is going to look out for her and take care of her? I literally can't hold my shit together right now!  

(Picture of the sun rise in Sorrento Italy from our vacation last Summer)

Everytime i think about a way to lift myself up from this deep dark hole i'm in, i get a little nudge to write things down.  I'm drawn to making some sort of list of all the areas of my life that don't feel quite right, and write down ways that could perhaps help me navigate and sort through those unsettled areas.  Perhaps this is my way of gaining back some control of my life.  However, my brain is in such a fog that i stare at my three notebooks and four pens with nothing to write. No clarity, no direction and no focus.  There are so many things that i can't bring myself to just start.  So i figured i would come here... the little space i created for myself many years ago.  The space that i dedicated to my passions... only lately, i'm pouring out my heart to this little space because that's all i can do.  The creativity will come once i sort through this, but until then, i felt compelled to write this here. Maybe there is someone out there that needs to read this for some reason because they're experiencing their own struggles.  If you are, please know that you are not alone.  I'm struggling too.  Right now things feel dark and gloomy.  I'm hoping for better days ahead.  Writing my feelings here may be a wonderful tool to help me along my journey to finding that glimmer of light i'm oh so longing for.

Thank you so much for reading... i hope you are well.  Xo, Carla - FMM