Struggling...

(Picture of the sun setting in the mediterranean from our vacation last year)

I've been holding so much in and honestly, i'm really struggling.  I consider myself a relatively positive person and when i'm down, i typically look for an opportunity for a fresh start.  But lately, i can't get past the feeling that i have nothing good to look forward to.  While i'm quite aware that this is not exactly true, my brain is stuck in that dark place where i can't see past all the struggles that await me.  It torments me every waking moment.  Mia's upcoming surgery is obviously a major part of why i'm feeling so scared and overwhelmed, naturally... but that's not where the struggle ends.  Work has been incredibly stressful and i'm finding it difficult to navigate through my days while holding on to every ounce of strength and patience to get through the evenings with my girls.  They both have issues that make time at home challenging.  I don't really want to dip too deep into those issue here, publicly, but every waking minute is a struggle of some sort.  I'm physically and emotionally drained.  I honestly want to move past this and see the light but right now, it's dim.  

It's funny but every year i feel as though we kind of go through the same changes from Fall and all things pumpkin spice, to the holidays and Winter cozies! As we gear up for Spring, i'm typically vacation shopping allowing for something incredible to look forward to come Summer.  Lawd knows i need a vacation more than anything right now, but this year is going to be a bit different.  We can't really commit to summer plans with Mia's surgery and recovery.  It's ok... but i'm longing for some alone time at a beach somewhere and was hoping to squeeze in a quick trip with hubs before the summer for my own personal mental sanity.  I know it would not take away any of my anguish or fear, but perhaps would allow me some space to breathe deep and relax.  Not sure this is going to happen and i can't help but feel as though there is nothing to look forward to right now... not even a small thread.  I hate that i feel this way because i'm being a brat! It's not about me, it's about my child!  But if i'm falling apart, who is going to look out for her and take care of her? I literally can't hold my shit together right now!  

(Picture of the sun rise in Sorrento Italy from our vacation last Summer)

Everytime i think about a way to lift myself up from this deep dark hole i'm in, i get a little nudge to write things down.  I'm drawn to making some sort of list of all the areas of my life that don't feel quite right, and write down ways that could perhaps help me navigate and sort through those unsettled areas.  Perhaps this is my way of gaining back some control of my life.  However, my brain is in such a fog that i stare at my three notebooks and four pens with nothing to write. No clarity, no direction and no focus.  There are so many things that i can't bring myself to just start.  So i figured i would come here... the little space i created for myself many years ago.  The space that i dedicated to my passions... only lately, i'm pouring out my heart to this little space because that's all i can do.  The creativity will come once i sort through this, but until then, i felt compelled to write this here. Maybe there is someone out there that needs to read this for some reason because they're experiencing their own struggles.  If you are, please know that you are not alone.  I'm struggling too.  Right now things feel dark and gloomy.  I'm hoping for better days ahead.  Writing my feelings here may be a wonderful tool to help me along my journey to finding that glimmer of light i'm oh so longing for.

Thank you so much for reading... i hope you are well.  Xo, Carla - FMM

Life Chat...

Oh how i miss this view of Cabo... I wanted to take a moment to come on here and have a little chat about life.  Lately I've been feeling really conflicted with balancing my time or lack thereof really. This isn't a woe is me kind of post by any means! This is simply a means of communicating with my loyal readers all that has been going through my mind this past month or so.  I'm slacking on posts big time because I've been quite overwhelmed.  The month of September was insanely busy!  I barely had time to breathe or do the things that i normally to do keep my life organized.  When my home feels chaotic, i feel chaotic and my stress levels rise to insane levels.  Needless to say, September was quite stressful.  Sadly, one of my best friend's dad suffered a stroke a couple of weeks ago and passed away this past Sunday.  There is NO worst feeling than seeing someone you care so much about suffer the way my friend suffered these past few weeks.  I tried to be as supportive as possible by visiting her and her dad at the hospital, bringing coffee, treats, hugs... whatever.  Yet i felt incredibly helpless.  She's very close to her family as am i.  I know that this is something we all experience at one point or another in our lives but we are never prepared to let go of those we love so much.  My heart is shattered into little pieces for her and her family.  I just hope that they find strength to get through this immensely difficult time. Please consider keeping them in your prayers.

So as you can imagine, after a long day of work, homework, driving the kids wherever they need to go, making dinner, cleaning, laundry and the emotional stress of seeing my friend in such despair has left me with very little energy for my sweet little blog.  I just feel so physically and emotionally drained that when i sit in front of the computer to write a post about a beauty product or an outfit, the words just don't seem to flow and i simply shut my computer down and let it go.  And it's OK to do that sometimes. I tend to beat myself up over this and have to constantly remind myself that my blog is not a means of providing for my family, it's not my job (though many times I've wished it was because i love it so much), it's simply a creative outlet that allows me to do something i truly enjoy doing.  Yet I'm going to have my days where i am uninspired and my spirits are low.  I'm a human being and these days happen.  I'm sure you can all relate right?  So today, rather than a beauty or fashion post, I'm simply keeping it real!  I got home from work with a simple plan.  I baked something that made the house smell delicious, took a long hot shower, put on my flannel pajamas, made myself a yummy cup of coffee, and plan to spend the rest of the evening cozied up with my baby girls and hubby on the couch watching Halloween movies... warm blankies, pop corn and fuzzy slippers included!  I will not apologize for not posting about the boxes of products sitting in the 'makeup room' right now because i know that if i recharge my mind and body, i will begin to feel inspired to do what i love most.... write about fashion and beauty!

I hope you are all able to take the time to do the same for yourselves when you feel that you need time to recharge.  I'll be back real soon with my regularly scheduled posts!  Remember to hug your loved ones a little tighter today and tell them how much you love them.  Today is a gift... tomorrow is not promised.  Xo, Carla - FMM