Life Update... Where Do We Go From Here?

Thursday, January 23, 2020

Let me preface by saying that i began writing this post in late October hence the Fall photos! So needless to say, this post has been a long time coming yet at the time i began writing, i simply wasn't ready to truly post it.  Fast forward to now....

You may or may not have noticed my absence on this creative platform I created over the past 8 or so years.  I have honestly been feeling so foggy and run down which has made me feel completely uninspired and frustrated really! I've worked so hard on FMM over the years from conceptualizing creative ideas to showcasing beauty and fashion, photographing, editing, sharing on social media and so on.  For a long time, i truly enjoyed it but lately, i feel as though Instagram sort of shifted my focus a bit.  I mean, out of nowhere, brand reach outs became solely about instagram versus the blog and really, it's way easier to post a single photo on instagram than all the work that goes into compiling an actual blog post.  But the stress of social media is a real thing.  Scrolling through my feed has me feeling a ton of emotions from high to low!  Bloggers posting their seemingly perfect lives, perfect children, perfect homes, amazing vacations and dreamy wardrobes don't always make one feel inspired. In fact, it can be a real downer comparing one's success to theirs.  Geez, am i that blogger?  Do i make my readers/followers feel some type of way scrolling through my feed?

Additionally, instagram has been a real b*tch with engagement literally showing my photos to a mere 2-5% of my following which is upwards of 19,000!  This had me questioning why all the effort, why all the stress?  Posts bomb and you feel as though you are a failure.  Everything I've worked so hard for is judged by this dang app and who it decides should see my photos etc. What's the big deal you may ask?  Well, when brands reach out solely looking for instagram collabs, it becomes tricky because you have no control over who instagram chooses to show your hard work to leading me to essentially turn down a ton of work these past few months.  I just needed to step back and re-evaluate my presence on the blog and social media.

Over the course of the past few months I've reminded myself over and over that this is not my job, this is my passion. I do not rely on the money i make on this platform to survive... thankfully!  This is actually an advantage for me personally because it means that i can devote my time to my passion without having it feel like a business.  I've searched long and hard within myself to find that spark that once ignited my passion for driving this blog in hopes that it slowly finds its way back to me.  One thing is true, i live and breathe fashion and beauty.  I literally think about shoes, bags, coats, lippies, eye shadows, highlighters all the time!  They bring me happiness amidst all the stresses life brings my way.  They are essentially an escape for me... they encompass who i am as a person.

Having said that, life threw me a major curve ball early last year when my twelve year-old daughter Mia was diagnosed with severe Kyphosis.  We knew she had a curvature of her spine a few years prior and have been frantically trying to correct it by doing extensive physical therapy as well as wearing several brutally aggressive back braces in hopes of rectifying the situation.  Sadly, her curvature is so aggressive that there is no other option than to have surgery.  This will be Mia's second spinal surgery.  Just before her third birthday, Mia had her tethered spinal cord released as it was attached to the base of her spine.  Hearing that she needs surgery again brought back so many feelings... feelings i never wanted to revisit ever again!  But alas, here we are.  All of this has taken a great emotional toll on me that has been somewhat debilitating.  I'm working through my anxiety as best as i can but some days, i just want to curl up in the fetal position and hide from the world.  It has completely taken over my life.  She will need a spinal fusion that will be approximately 7 hours long... SEVEN HOURS LONG! Seven hours of pure torture!  In reality, those seven hours have actually turned into countless months of anxiety thinking about those dreaded seven hours and days, weeks and months after.  Recovery will be about three months so I'm devoting this Summer to simply taking care of my baby girl and being there for her every need.  I don't know what to expect other than she will need a lot of physical therapy and will probably not be very mobile.  I firmly believe that God will wrap her in his wings and take good care of her.  However, i can't help but feel scared and anxious... but life is such. The surgery will take place early this Summer and until then, we wait.

Where do we go from here?  Well, i think giving myself this time off to re-evaluate things has been somewhat therapeutic!  It's allowed me time to miss my sweet  little creative outlet.  I miss chatting beauty and fashion.  I miss photographing, editing etc.  I remember the day i decided to start Fashion Maven... Mommy, i was so excited for all the possibilities.  I felt like i could finally exhale because i had found my creative outlet... a platform to showcase all the things I'm passionate about!  Truth is, these past few weeks have me longing to be back.  I've never been fully ready to give it up and i think now more than ever, i need my blog to help me through these dark hours.  So here's the thing, I'm going to start posting again!  I'm not going to stick to a schedule of any kind.  I'm simply going post what feels right when it feels right.  I have no doubt as my loyal readers that you would prefer me writing genuine posts than posting just to post, amiright?  Also, i typically post about fashion and beauty but i think i may share a bit of my upcoming experience with you all as well.  Perhaps it may help someone going through something similar or simply help me navigate through these trials and tribulations of motherhood!  I hope that's cool with you!  Either way, i have given my blog a fresh new look (did you notice??) and am excited to continue on this beautiful journey that began so full of hope 9 years ago!  If you're still reading, dang it i love you!  Thank you so much for your continued support and stay tuned!

Xo, Carla - FMM